The first time I ever had a suicidal thought was during a very volatile romantic relationship. This was actualy my first real relationship. I was a sophomore in college. I had gotten involved with a guy who was not over his ex. He and I were both in New York City attending New York University. The ex was back in Los Angeles where the guy was from.
Freshman Year at NYU: First Relationship Ever
Let me back up. My freshman year I developed an infatuation with a guy who we will call Rob. Rob and I hooked up a week before Christmas break. Spring semester we hooked up all the time. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, but there was definitely something going on between us.
Summer after Freshman Year: The Non Date
After freshman year we both went home to our respective hometowns for the summer. I went back to Houston and he went back to Los Angeles. I ended up going to visit a friend in the Los Angeles area during the summer and saw Rob while I was there. We went on a “date” and played miniature golf. At the end of the date I was hoping for a kiss and all I got was a hug. I was so disappointed and I was so confused.
Sophomore Year at NYU: The Other Woman
When school resumed in the fall, I confronted Rob on why he didn’t kiss me on that date and he said, “What if I really, really like you, but I’m still in love?” My heart dropped into my stomach. I realized then that Rob wasn’t over his ex. Come to find out they had gotten back together, but since she was back in LA and he was in NYC, they decided to have an open relationship. Not knowing any better, I assumed the position of the other woman. This was a horrible idea! I was an emotional wreck. By the end of the year, I was severely depressed and had my first suicidal thoughts.
Living Large in NYC
Fast forward to three years later when I had graduated from NYU and was living in NYC working at an ad agency. At this point, Rob and I were not involved anymore and I started dating a guy who I will call Jacob who I met at work. Everything was great for a few months, but then he broke up with me, telling me I was too needy. I was devastated. But again I made a terrible decision to continue sleeping with Jacob even though we weren’t together anymore. This triggered my suicidal thoughts within a few months.
Drinking Myself to Death — or Not
I found myself going to the liquor store and buying a bottle of vodka with the intention of drinking myself to death. It didn’t work obviously. I just got violently ill and threw up all the vodka. My throat and stomach was raw and felt like they were on fire. Not a good idea.
Single for 10 Years: Playing the Field
After these two relationships, I spent about ten years being single and playing the field. I developed a bad habit of pursuing unavailable, men, men who were married, had girlfriends, or were just players. And every time a relationship didn’t work out, I would get suicidal.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Eventually my older sister suggested I go to a 12-step program for sex and love addiction, so I did. And this program (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or SLAA) saved my life. I established a boundary with my sexual behaviors. I stopped having sex outside of committed relationships. And do you know what? The suicidal thoughts finally stopped. It was a miracle!
Are you a sex and love addict?
Do you suffer from suicidal thoughts when a relationship ends? You may have sex and love addiction, too. Check out this quiz to get assessed for sex and love addiction. And stay tuned for a lot more insight into sex and love addiction and how to manage this process addiction.